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“Are you serious? You’re staying late, again?”
“Yes, I’m just swamped in work from the Lawrence case. I told you about it last week.” His tone shifted from casual to stern.
“I remember just fine. It’s just we haven’t enjoyed a nice dinner together in weeks.”
“I understand. I promise once this case is done, we’ll spend more time together.”
“That’s what you said about the last case, and the one before that, and the one before that.”
“Stacy, cut me some slack, would ya?”
“Fine, have a wonderful night at the office. See-ya whenever you decide to come home.”
“Bye.”
I mash the end button on my IPhone multiple times with my index finger until the pain is a little too much to continue. Not nearly the satisfaction I used to get back in the day, slamming the old corded phones down on the receiver. Just made me feel good when I was pissed off and hung up on somebody. Cell phones aren’t the same.
Night after night, my husband Tyler works late at “Kilroy’s and Associates”. A law firm he’s been employed with for the last ten years. Don’t get me wrong, I realize sometimes he needs to work after hours to finish a project. Lately though, he’s been working excessive hours even by lawyers’ standards. We spend essentially zero time together. On top of that, we fight so much, I don’t even want to have a conversation with him. I feel like we’re slowly drifting apart as a married couple. Like I’m not a priority to him anymore.
I walk over to the recently set kitchen table, lean in close and blow out the white candle that’s in the center. As the flame flickers and vanishes, smoke dances in the air. The kitchen, now only lit by the faint glow of the living room lights. I pull out one of the two chairs and sit down while scooting up close to the wooden dining room table. The faint signs of smoke still loom in front of me but soon vanish into the air.
I peer across the dim room at the empty seat. In front, a warm plate of tender prime rib, steamed green beans and mashed potatoes as they become cooler by the second. A full glass of red wine lies still to the side. I lose myself for a moment, drifting off into space. Not really thinking about anything. Just staring off into the darkness. I pull myself back and look down at my own plate of food.
I cooked a great dinner. I’m not going to let him ruin it again.
Picking up my fork and knife, I dig in. The prime rib is to die for. Juicy and tender with just the right amount of pink in the middle. The crisp, steamed green beans deliver a crunch with every bite. The mashed potatoes mixed with brown gravy is delicious. Everything washed down with a glass of Cabernet red wine.
Through the meal, I keep looking over at the empty seat across from me. As if one of these moments, he’s going to magically appear. As the night proceeds, I finish the delightful dinner. Yet again, alone. I stack my dirty plate and silverware in the dishwasher while his plate of food goes straight in the trash. I thought about wrapping it up and placing it in the fridge for him but that was quickly dismissed. The anger in me has taken over at this point.
I grab his full glass of wine with one hand and the bottle with the other. Heading into the living room, I flip the light switch off with my elbow. The only remaining light is illuminating from the T.V, giving off a slight glow to the nearby furniture. I set the glass and wine bottle down onto the end table and plop my butt on the couch. Grabbing the remote, I flip through the channels until something catches my eye. In the heat of the night, is the title.
Looks like a romance movie, I’ll give it a shot.
I’m not a big fan of the whole romance genre. Not because I don’t like them, they just draw out some deep seeded emotions of mine. Mostly sadness. Sadness that my life isn’t a romantic movie. Sadness that it doesn’t have any romance at all. Still, I turn up the volume and grab my glass of wine. It’s about a married woman who loses her memory in a car crash and her husband tries to make her fall in love with him all over again. As the movie ends, I’m just finishing up the last bit of wine from the bottle. I did away with the glass an hour ago, figured drinking straight from the bottle was in the cards for tonight.
I turn the television off with the remote and lay down on the couch. I stare up at the ceiling, following shadows from the trees swaying in the moonlight. A tear slowly slides down my left cheek as I think about my twenty-year marriage to Tyler. How in the beginning we had immense fun together. How romantic he was. Taking me out on lavish dates. Always holding the car door open for me. Buying me flowers for no reason. Even writing me love letters.
I became pregnant with Jason on our honeymoon which is exactly what we were hoping for. Everything fell into place like puzzle pieces after that. Nice home in the country with lots of land. Tyler became a partner at his law firm. I even rose in the ranks in my own profession. Being a stay at home mother just wasn’t something kocaeli escort I wanted to do. Not that it wouldn’t have been fulfilling for me but I still had ambition in my career.
After Jason departed for college at 19, Tyler became increasingly distant. Spending extra nights at the office, fighting with me over nonsense, and our romantic life became basically nonexistent. Despite my efforts, it didn’t seem to matter. He commits little to no energy into our relationship these past few years. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can endure. As I blink, two more tears run across each cheek.
I wonder if he even loves me anymore. I can’t recall the last time he expressed it. What if he’s falling in love with somebody else? That’s why he’s always staying late at the office. What if he’s secretly cheating on me?
Tears now streaming down. I roll over, smush my salty face into the soft couch pillow and ball myself to sleep.
* * *
I abruptly awake to the sound of the kitchen blender. I sit up, let out a long yawn and stretch my arms above my head. Instantly I notice the pounding headache. I suppose a whole bottle of wine will do that to a person if they’re not accustomed to drinking. I walk into the kitchen to see Tyler standing at the counter, blending up his morning fruit smoothie.
“Hey there, drink a little too much last night?” His eyes scolding me as he speaks.
I make a beeline straight for the cupboard above the sink, refraining from even acknowledging his existence. I pull out the small bottle of Advil and pop two in my mouth. I grab a glass, fill it with water and take a few swigs.
“So, the silent treatment again huh?”
His voice is comparable to nails on a chalkboard. Every word spewing from his mouth compels me to slap him across his smug face. Knock that snub, shit eating grin clean off. I’ve never laid my hands on him before but it’s becoming progressively tempting.
Keep calm, he always has his smart-ass remarks. Doesn’t mean you need to resort to his level of asshole-ness.
“Well, I’m off to work. See ya when I see ya I guess,” He says, flicking his hand in the air like it’s a half ass wave goodbye.
He strolls out of the kitchen with his cup of banana, kiwi and kale smoothie. Moments later I hear the front door slam and his loud diesel truck startup, then fade away as he pulls out of the driveway. The familiar sadness returns but I restrain myself from breaking down and weeping. I take another gulp of water and head to the bathroom. Time to take a shower and get ready for work.
Keep it together. At least you get to see your son today. It’s going to be a good day.
This is Jason’s second year of college at M.I.T. He comes home every year during break and lives with us. It’s about the only thing I look forward to the past few years. Jason and I are very close. Even growing up as a kid he’s always been a momma’s boy.
After taking a shower, getting dressed and applying my makeup, I head to work. As I enter the Kelly building through the glass double doors, my high heels strike the blue marble floor tile. With each stride, they fill the massive vacant area with their sound. The receptionist looks away from her computer, slides her glasses slightly down her nose and gives me a long stare as I walk past. I stop at the elevators and hit the up-arrow button.
“Mrs. Banner, you look absolutely stunning this morning.” She says
“Why thank you Maggy, you’re looking good yourself.”
“Is today the day your son comes home from college?”
“Sure is, I’m so excited to see him.”
“I bet, you have a good day.”
“You also Maggy.”
The elevator light flashes and the door opens. I wave to Maggy, enter the elevator and press the sixth-floor button. Listening to the cheesy music, I just can’t help but be in a good mood on this lovely Friday. A complete 180 from how I felt this morning. As I pass the break room, I wave to Kyle and Bill while they fill up their coffee cups. Next I see April, we both smile and say “good morning” as we walk by each other. I reach my office door that reads “Marketing Manager, Stacy Banner” on the nameplate. I read it every time I enter my office, proud of my success with the company.
The workday flew by, Friday’s always do. Most projects are due at the end of the week so it’s always hectic and busy. The only thing offbeat about today is the way everyone is acting towards me. Staring at me, complimenting me constantly. I confess, it’s no doubt my own fault. Not that I mind in the least. I may have slightly overdressed. My skin tight black dress that contains a slit on one side, running up a little past my knee combined with back high heels. A bit fancy for work attire but sometimes it feels good to dress up a bit.
I answer my desk phone as it rings for the second time.
“Stacy Banner speaking.”
“Hey mom, I’m at the airport. Just got to baggage claim.”
“So glad you landed safely. I can’t believe it’s four o’clock already. I’ll kocasinan escort leave now and be there in ten.”
“Okay, see you then. Love ya.”
“Love you too.”
I hang up the phone, finish up the last few words of an email and hit send. I jet out of the office, down the elevator and out to my red Chevy Camaro. The airport is only a few miles away from my work so it’s a short drive. I park outside baggage claim and walk through the revolving double doors. As soon as I enter, I spot Jason standing next to the moving conveyor belt. He certainly stands out from the crowd. A little over six feet tall, backwards hat, large muscular frame with his tight-fitting black shirt. He’s always been proud of his body, making sure to take good care of himself. Fitness and nutrition wise, he knows his stuff. He’s actually the reason I’ve started doing some working out of my own. I’m not getting any younger, might as well stay in good shape.
I walk up behind him and slap the bill of his hat. Startled, he swings around to face me. Once he realizes it’s his mother, he wraps his arms around me and lifts me off the ground. His hug feels like it’s crushing lungs, leaving me breathless. He sets me down and smiles.
“Great to see you mom and WOW, you look spectacular.”
“Oh, this old thing. I just threw it on this morning because my other clothes were dirty.” A little bit of a white lie but who’s counting.
“Well, yeah the dress but I just mean you in general. You’ve had to lost weight since I’ve last seen you.”
“Twenty-two hard earned pounds and counting. I joined a CrossFit gym with a few girls from work about six months ago. We go three to four times a week. Plus, I’ve been eating healthy and sticking to it.”
“It shows for sure. You even look like you’ve put on a little muscle”. He says, grabbing my bicep. I instinctively flex, trying to make it bigger. He laughs and gives me a kiss on the cheek.
“It really is good to see you ma. I’ve been through a lot the past few months and it’s just nice to be home.”
“Well, I’ll cook us a nice dinner when we get home and you can tell me all about it.”
We wait about twenty more minutes before the luggage from his flight finally arrives on the conveyor belt. Once we had that we loaded it into the car trunk and took off for home. His room is always just as he leaves it, we never change a thing. He decided to take a power nap which was fine as it gave me some time to cook spaghetti and homemade meatballs, his favorite. It also gave me a chance to change into something more comfortable, like sweatpants and a t- shirt. Once dinner was cooked and the table set, I called up for him. It wasn’t long before he came running down.
“Boy does that smell delicious, homemade meatballs and spaghetti. How did I get so lucky?”
“Because I’m an awesome mother, that’s how. Now sit your butt down and let’s eat, I’m starving.”
“Aren’t we going to wait for dad?”
“I wouldn’t count on him being home in time for dinner.”
“Late night at the office again huh?”
“Yup, like every other night.” I could feel the pitch of my voice change for a brief moment.
“I’m sorry mom.”
“It’s ok, let’s not dwell on that. So tell me, how’s the school year been for far? How are you and Lisa doing?”
His body shifts in the chair and he looks down at his plate of food, twirling the spaghetti with the fork but not bringing it to his mouth. “Lisa and I broke up a few weeks ago.”
“What? How come you never called to tell me? You guys have been together since the ninth grade.”
“I was hoping we would get back together. She said it’s just too hard, with us going to different colleges and the long-distance relationship. I mean, I understand where she’s coming from and all but it just sucks. We’ve been together for so long, I just…”
His voice cracks a bit as he chokes over his words. I see how painful it is for him to discuss it. I walk over to him, put my arms around his neck and give it a big squeeze. “It’s ok, if she’s that easy to give up on your relationship, then she’s not worth it. You’ll find someone better. You’re a great looking kid that has plenty to offer a woman.”
I let go over his neck as he looks up at me, “Thanks, but you’re my mom. You HAVE to say that.”
“That may be true, but I honestly mean it.”
I give him one more hug before returning to my chair. We give each other a smile and start eating our dinner. Just by his slight attitude change, I can tell my advice and motherly love at least helped a little. After we finished, he helped me put away the dishes and clear the table. Tyler still wasn’t home, which shouldn’t surprise me. I decided to break out the wine, for the second night in a row.
It’s a special occasion, my son’s home. Why not have a few drinks?
“I have some red wine, would you like a glass?” I ask.
“Yeah, I could definitely use a drink.”
“Find us a movie to watch and I’ll grab the wine.”
“Sure thing.”
I pop kolej escort the cork on the wine, grab two wine glasses and head into the living room. Jason’s already sitting on the couch with the television paused. I pour each of us a glass and sit down next to him.
“Only movie I can find worth watching is The Fifth Element,” He says.
“That’s fine, I like that movie.”
It didn’t take long for us to start chatting over the movie anyway. We talked about his classes. His part time job. What he’s looking for in life. We also talked about my current situation with Tyler. He even suggested if I’m truly not happy, that divorce may be something to look into. Surprising advice coming from him but he’s always been a level headed kid.
As the credits roll, we’re already on our second bottle of wine. We just continue on, talking about everything under the sun. It’s nice to actually be able to sit down and have a conversion. After the wine ran out we started on the Genesis beers that Tyler had stored in the fridge. Before I knew it, it was 11pm and we went through two bottles of wine and 6 beers. Still, no sign of Tyler. Not even a phone call. It’s late, I’m buzzing and getting tired. I figure it’s time for me to hit the hay. There’s a lot I want to get done tomorrow.
“Well, I think I’m going to bed,” I say.
“Yeah, me too. It’s been a long day with the flight and all.”
I lean over to give him a goodnight kiss on the cheek, something I’ve always done since he was a kid. I reach in but so does he and we get our signals crossed as our lips touch. My whole-body freezes, like a deer caught in headlights. I know I should pull away but I just can’t muster the strength. His lips begin to move around mine, massaging their outer crest. It feels so good, so enjoyable. Mine move on their own free will, following his motions. His tongue separates my lips and invades my mouth. Our tongues collide and intertwine as his lips slide across my own. Shivers run through my body, creating goosebumps all over my soft skin.
What are you doing? Push away. This isn’t right.
My phone vibrates on the glass end table, filling the quiet room with a few buzzes. Startled, our lips break apart as we pull our faces away from each other. I quickly turn around and grab my phone. It’s a text message from Tyler. “Working late.”
The message barely registered. All I had on my mind was what just transpired. A kiss that should have never come to fruition. A moment of a taboo act. I didn’t even want to look up from my phone and face Jason. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed, but I have to say something in this awkward moment.
“That was your father, he’s going to be working late again. I’m going to bed. Night.”
I stand up without looking at him, walking past the couch and up the stairs. I hear a faint, “Good night mom,” as I reach the second floor. I head straight to my room and shut the door, collapsing face first onto my bed and into my pillow.
What have you just done, you idiot. You just kissed your son. How pitiful are you?
I lay in bed, not wanting to move. Just thinking about what a horrible mother I am and how Jason must feel. A few moments later I hear his bedroom door shut across the hall. Even though I know how wrong the kiss was, I can’t shake the sense of how wonderful it felt. I sit up on my bed and close my eyes. I slowly press two fingers against my lips. Instantly I imagine Jason’s face, his mouth pressed to mine. Once again sending shivers through my body. I open my eyes and snap out of it, pulling my hand down quickly from my face.
Get a hold of yourself woman! You need to get over there and apologize to him. Imagine how uncomfortable you made him feel. Tell him that you’re drunk and you meant to just give him a kiss on the cheek. Reassure him it meant nothing else.
I compose myself, stand up and open my door. I thought I heard his door shut but it’s still slightly cracked with a slight glow shining through.
Good, he’s still awake.
I give the door a small push open and peak my head in. My eyes widen as Jason comes into view. He’s sitting up against the backboard of the bed with his pants down to his ankles. His laptop next to him, tilted enough towards the door that I can see what can only be described as hardcore porn. As soon as his eyes meet mine, he tries to conceal himself with his hands but only partly being able to do so. I quickly turn my head to the side but not before I catch a glimpse of the large appendage between his legs.
“MOM, what the heck?” He says. Now hunched over, covering his private area while shutting his laptop.
“I’m so sorry honey. I just wanted to apologize about earlier.” I say, looking over to the side of the wall away from him while shielding my eyes with my hand.
“Yeah, it’s no big deal. Can I have some privacy please?”
“Yes, I’m so sorry again. Night.”
Good job Stacy. You went from kissing your son to seeing him masturbating while watching porn. What else are you going to do to fuck up your relationship with your son?
I shut his door hard and briskly walk into my room, shutting the door behind me. I take off my clothes, turn off the light and climb into bed. My mind races with images of our kiss and his half naked body. Images of him pleasuring himself while watching his laptop.
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