The First Law of Thermodynamics ~ Coda

Yet again…. Nothing is ever lost… only changed*****Four times, ladies and gentlemen. ?FOUR.As in, three strikes, plus one because I’m too goddamn nice.?*****Patrick may very well have been the star-crossed love of my life. When we met it was pure lightning bolt ?, all the way. Our connection has always been intense and emotional. Even during our down times, we talked. Over the past two years, he has been my mainstay; the one person in the world to whom I could tell absolutely anything. I loved him. I still love him. I will probably always feel that way about him. ?After I wrote this post, I thought we were done. But he came back again, as he always did. This time we only talked. I was at least smart enough to not meet him in person this time. konya escort I knew if I did, we’d be back in bed in a heartbeat.We talked about everything, as usual. The longer we talked, the more he talked about resuming our previous relationship. This time, I was resolute. I wasn’t going there again; it was far too painful when the inevitable happened.*****”Hey – log on if you can!””You around? Log on!”*****Two emails. Both sent from his personal email – not his secret email. I pointed that out the following afternoon. He said not to worry, he’d deleted the messages from his sent file.Silly me. I assumed he meant the email account’s sent file – not just the one on his phone. I should have known better.As I suspected, his wife had wormed her way into his email online, and is checking it regularly. Of course she sees konyaaltı escort those messages to me. Of course all hell breaks loose, yet again. I hadn’t seen the messages until much later, and so I hadn’t responded to them, but it’s bad enough without that technicality.He says he needs to go dark. I agree. I delete and block him from my chat program.*****Losing Patrick like this has been difficult. I’m so used to having him to talk to that not having him there is a huge hole in my day.I’d be flat-out lying if I didn’t acknowledge that the funk I’ve been in for the past month isn’t, in large part, due to this relationship ending. I know I’ve been mourning the loss of him; I feel the loss to my core.He knew me. He knew my thoughts, my quirks, my body… sometimes better than I did. He has been korfez escort my best friend, he’s made my days bearable, filled in what my husband is unwilling to give me. Going even two days without talking to him was rare. Cutting him off is the hardest thing I’ve had to do in a long time. I miss him a lot. Really, really a lot. I fight the idea of making contact every single day.And the kicker is that I can’t say for sure that I would refuse him if he came back yet again. If his marriage ended and he was free to start a relationship, I might say yes. I might rearrange my entire life for him.Clearly, I need my head checked. ??*****Slowly, I’m feeling life returning, my mood lifting. It doesn’t hurt quite as much to think about him. I’m starting to feel like myself again. I’ve even started the process of finding a new someone local to play with.I still can’t shake that thought though…. that Patrick, but for bad timing and unfortunate circumstance, was the love of my life… and I’ve had to let go of him, again.So, yet again, I’m trying to convince myself that nothing has been lost, that life has merely changed.I’m getting there.???>????>????>????>????>????>?